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Lights, Camera, Distraction!/Transcript
(Scene begins in the kitchen) Ravi: I hope Jessie's audition went well. Does anyone know what it was for? (Jessie closes door while wearing a hot dog costume and holds sign that says "Dan's Hot Diggity Dogs") Jessie: I just had the worst day ever. Bertram: Well,mine just got better! (laughs) Jessie: OK, so I thought I was auditioning for a local TV commercial. Then suddenly, they zip me into this get-up and I'm standing on the street, trying to get people to eat at "Dan's Diggity Dog Delight"! Which by the way, smells worse than the inside of this costume. Seriously, who wore this before me, Big Foot? (about to fall down) (All help Jessie get up and say "Whoa!" repeatedly) Emma: Why didn't you just take the suit off? Although,that mustard brings out your eyes! Jessie: Because, the zipper got stuck and then the bus driver said he wouldn't let me on because food is not allowed. Ravi: It is New York. I am sure no one noticed! Jessie: Oh, yeah? I was chased for 20 blocks by hungry dogs and angry vegans! Considering they don't eat meat, those lentil lovers have a surprising amount of stamina! Bertram: Well, I'm just glad you finally got- Jessie: Don't say it! (puts hand out) Bertram: A big roll! (laughs with Emma, Luke, Ravi, and Zuri) Jessie: (breaks serving spoon, grunts) Bertram: Hey, you're a meany weenie! (Jessie puts broken spoon down) (Theme song plays) (Time changes to night, scene changes to living room) (Bertram walks in while holding a flowerpot) Jessie: Bertram, I have some very exciting news! Bertram: Great! (walks away, looks weirdly) Jessie: Get back here or your fancy new 8-slice toaster is toast! (Bertram walks back, puts flowers down) Jessie: OK,after my whole hot dog debacle, I realized I needed to do something to take my career to the next level. Bertram: Don't you need a career first? (chuckles) Jessie: (hits Bertram with magazine) Bertram: Ow! (holds hip) Jessie:So,I signed up for a short film competition called Quick Flicks. Contestants have just 24 hours to write,shoot,and star in a film! Bertram:Oh,so then you can fail 3 times!(takes magazine quickly) (Jessie hits Bertram with flowers) Bertram:(grunts,holds shoulder)You were saying? Jessie:The winner gets their film shown in a prestigious film festival. (tablet beeps) Jessie:Oh,they just emailed me my theme! It's "Love". Oh,this is perfect! I know all about love! Bertram:So it's going to be a horror movie?(laughs,walks away) Jessie:My next film is going to be a mystery about the disappearance of an annoying butler! Spoiler alert,the nanny did it! (Bertram walks faster,Jessie sits down and uses her tablet) (scene changes to screening room) Jessie:So,what did you guys think of my script? Be honest,unless you hated it,then be quiet. Ravi:It is riveting,Madame Tarantino. Zuri:I don't know who this Zuni character is,but I find the scene where she happily finishes her homework totally unbelievable.(nods) Ravi:Am I to assume I will play the role of Duke,the suave ladies' man? Luke:I'm pretty sure that's me,dude. Ravi:But the only other boy role is Tavi,the pathetic wretch whose only friend is a wizard!(points to line) Jessie:Oh,that's supposed to say "lizard". Ravi:Oh! Oh. Jessie:Zuri,you are also in charge of set design. Zuri:Great,what's my budget? Jessie:Nothing. Zuri:Then that's what you're getting. Jessie:Bertram,you are craft services. Bertram:Ooh,what's that? Jessie:It means you feed the crew. Bertram:Oh,so basically what I always do. Thank you for including me in your glamorous world of show business.(walks away) Jessie:OK,people,we only have 13 hours to get this movie in the can. I better go get Tony a copy of the script. Zuri:Do you really think Tony wants to re-create how you met and fell in love? Even though you dumped him and stomped on his heart? Not that I'm taking sides. Jessie:The breakup was mutual,but maybe you're right. It might be kind of awkward to act out our relationship on camera. Emma:It was awkward enough for those of us who had to watch it in real life. Ravi:So,who is going to play Toby,the handsome Jersey doorman you fall for? Luke:(puts down script,in Jersey accent)Bada-bing! I got your doorman right here! Jessie:(normal)And you can keep him. Emma:Why don't you hire Nicolas Cage? He'll do anything! Jessie:I can't afford Nicolas Cage! Can't even afford to download one of his movies. And I don't have the time to sit and audition tons of young,good looking guys!(thinks) (scene changes with guys auditioning in the living room) Emma:You didn't have the time,huh? Jessie:Hey,casting is a very important part of the filmmaking process. Zuri:(nods)Mmm-hmm. (Tony enters the scene) Tony:Um,Jessie,why have so many good looking guys been coming up here? Including now,myself. Jessie:I'm making a movie about our relationship,and these guys are auditioning to play you. Tony:Oh,but why didn't you just ask me to play me? I mean,I saw that movie where Lincoln played herself. Emma:That wasn't Lincoln,it was- Jessie:Don't bother.(puts hand out)I spent 2 hours trying to explain to him that E.T. was a puppet. Tony:He rode a bicycle! Jessie:OK,well,if you're OK with it,I'd love to have you play you. Tony:Thanks! I'll make a great me! (Jessie chuckles) Emma:Oh,Jessie,I just thought of a way to make your script better! Maybe even good! Your love story needs a twist. (story starts in the woods) Tony:(as werewolf/Toby)I don't care that our two kinds are forbidden to love,we belong together!(hugs Jessie and howls) Jessie:Oh,Toby,I love it when you howl with passion. Tony:That's actually pain,you're standing on my paw. Jessie:Oh,sorry.(stops hugging) And I love you more than O-positive. Kiss me! (about to kiss)(cringes) Tony:What's wrong? I just combed my arms! Jessie:I know,and they're lovely,it's just that you have a slight flea problem. Tony:Aw,wolfman!(takes collar off)This stupid collar was supposed to be good for 3 months! Emma:(as poodle,enters the scene)Hi,hi,hi,hi! Have you guys seen a sparkly,pink ball,with teeth marks? Kinda smells like this:(exhales deeply/shows her breath) Tony:I haven't seen you at any of the pack meetings. What kind of werewolf are you? Emma:I'm a were-poodle! (chuckles) Jessie:You're not very scary. Emma:But I'm adorable! And hypoallergenic. You have a little human in your hangs. (cat meows) Emma:Ooh,cat!(chuckles,runs away) Jessie:Where's a silver bullet when you need one? (story ends) Jessie:OK,even if I wanted to do that,which I don't,where would I find a werewolf costume on such short notice? Emma:Easy! Just shave Bertram's back and glue it all over Tony. Jessie:OK,I can't tell you how many different ways that makes me nauseous. (scene ends,advertisement break for TV viewers) (scene resumes outside the condo) Jessie:OK people,we only have 10 hours to finish this film. We need to shoot the scene where Chantal meets Toby. Tony:Hey,who's this Toby guy? Jessie:You! Seriously,you have the memory of a goldfish! (Tony looks at script) Ravi:So I am Tavi,and Luke is Duke,how do you get Chantal from Jessie? Jessie:I just always liked that name.(pushes Ravi away)Where's Zuri? Emma:(runs while pulling Zuri)I'm sorry,but it took me forever to get her to wear this. Zuri:I don't wear tutu's anymore! What am I,a kid? Emma:She bites harder than Mrs.Kipling! And at least Mrs.K apologizes by leaving a rat at your door!(rubs skin) Jessie:Zuri,this is how you were dressed when we met! Now,get into position and no more biting! OK,can we finally get the first shot! Bertram:(carries a plate)Craft services is here with lunch! Jessie:No,Bertram,no,we don't have time to eat! Bertram:But I worked so hard! I even chopped stuff! Jessie:OK,fine!(eats sample)(muffled)Happy now? Bertram:There were toothpicks in those! Jessie:(spits out food,gagging)(to Tony)OK. Do you know what you have to do? Tony:Of course. When you fall to the ground,I say:"Aw,man,are you OK?" Jessie:Mmm-hmm. Tony:Then help you up,like when we first met. Jessie:Great. And since I can't afford a cab,I'm just going to run and fall.(claps hands)OK,let's do this! Action! (Ravi starts filming while Luke holds the microphone) (Jessie runs while holding luggage and falls) Jessie:Whoa! Tony:Aw-what's my line again? Jessie:"Aw,man!" (Tony sighs) Emma:Ten bucks says the battery in the camera dies before we get this. (Emma and Bertram laugh) Jessie:(gets up)OK,Tony,let's try this again. (scene change) Jessie:Action! (Jessie falls again) Jessie:Whoa! Tony:(runs to Jessie)Aw,mom! (Jessie looks at Tony strangely) Tony:Aw,man!(sighs)Sorry,Jessie,Chantal,whoever you are. Jessie:OK,(grunting to get up)let's try 'er again. (scene change) Jessie:Action! (falls down) Whoa! (Tony helps a woman get in the condo) Jessie:Really? Tony:Hey,I'm still on the clock! Luke:(runs to Jessie)Jessie,I've been thinking. What this movie needs is some real action,and a new leading man.(chuckles) (story starts in a car when Luke is driving) (both in British accent) Jessie:Thank you so much for rescuing me from Dr.Dastardly's volcano lair. You saved me just in time. Luke:Eh. I know,your toes are still smoking. And the rest of you,too. Jessie:Why,thank you. But I don't even know your name! Luke:Ross. Luke Ross. And you are? Jessie:Dimples. Dimples Galore. (background cars screeching) Jessie:How are we going to get away from those evil spies who want to blow up the world,even though it means their death as well? Which I find to be kinda counter-intuitive. Luke:I don't know what that word means,but you're so cute I might look it up later. Now,before I force those evil spies off that cliff with an assortment of wicked cool gadgets,how about a high-speed kiss? (about to kiss Jessie) (story stops,record scratches) (Luke about to kiss Jessie) Jessie:Wow,that is action-packed. But I would just make one small change.(thinks) (story resumes) Jessie:Farewell,Mr.Ross.(pushes button) (Luke's seat springs him up into the air) Jessie:(looks at seat)Maybe I should have thought this through! (tires screeching,about to fall off a cliff) Jessie:(screams) (car falls into a lake from a cliff) (story ends) Jessie:There is no way I'm doing a movie where women wear skimpy clothes and are objectified. Luke:Then you're going to hate the sequel! (both stand up,Luke walks away) Jessie:OK,let's get moving! Ravi:But Tony has over 20 lines in this scene! What are we going to do? Jessie:I'll shoot around him. Ravi:What does that mean? Jessie:I'll fix it in post. Ravi:Come again? Jessie:Oh,just go point the camera and capture the magic!(pushes Ravi) (scene changes to park) (kids filming) Tony:You are amazing. Your eyes remind me of a full baboon. Jessie:Cut! Again! Tony,for the 10th time,the line is "A full moon". It's not romantic to say that my eyes remind you of a monkey's butt. Tony:Sorry,but re-living out relationship is making me feel kind of uncomfortable. Or it could just be from eating 10 helping of pasta fazool. (rubs legs) Back in a minute! Or,an hour,that fazool binds you right up!(walks away) Luke:Jessie,when you said I was "in charge of the boom",I thought I would get to blow stuff up! Ravi:At leat you do not have to keep peering through this camera for hours! My right eye refuses to open!(points to eye) Bertram:And I am tired of making food with "Fazool" in the name! Jessie:Great,any more complaints? Zuri:Yes,your movie is boring.(smiles) Jessie:I meant any complaints that don't make me sad? Zuri:No,but I have an idea on how to spice this up! (story starts on railroad track) (Zuri ties Jessie on the railroad) Jessie:(grunts)Wait! No! Let me go! Zuri:This is the end of the line for you,schoolmarm! (eagle caw) Jessie:Wow,you really don't want to do your homework. Zuri:Who needs to know geography in the Wild East? Jessie:West! Wild West! You are a horrible student! And evil! Zuri:I'm a 10 year old girl with a mustache. It tends to make you a little cranky! Jessie:Well,your plan will never work! My true love,the sheriff,will save me! Zuri:You mean that cowpoke?(points to Tony) (eagle screeches) Tony:Howdy!(tied up) Jessie:OK,maybe your plan will work. (story ends) Jessie:Zuri,I'm trying to shoot a love story! There is nothing romantic about being crushed by a train! Zuri:Jessie,it's a metaphor! You're so 1-dimensional! Emma:(runs with a sparkly item)Jessie,I have some choices for your clothes for the next scene! I went in your closet,but then I just got dizzy and depressed,so...so I brought you some of Mom's stuff! Jessie:Oh,thanks,Emma,but I want to wear the exact outfit I had on when I went on my first date with Tony. Emma:OK,but no wonder your relationship didn't work out! (scene changes to balcony,time changes to night) (Jessie walks in) Emma:Wait,you still need make-up! I have to make you look 2 years younger! FYI,you have way more worry-lines now than when you started working here. Jessie:I can't imagine why! Look,if I'm going to get this film ready for the contest,I have to get this scene where Tony and I kiss in the teacup! Now,go get him. (Emma runs away) Jessie:Zuri,where's my teacup? Zuri:Right here!(lifts up cover) Ta-da! (shows a box decorated with water pictures with a water faucet on the top) Jessie:It's smaller than I expected. And less teacup-y. And more cardboard-y. Zuri:You get what you pay for. Jessie:How is the audience supposed to believe that Toby and Chantal are trapped in there? Zuri:Uh,kneel down. Problem solved! I want a producer credit for that! Emma:(carries bag)Uh,Jessie,we have a small issue. Jessie:How small? (Tony enters with the original dress) Emma:I'd say about 3 sizes. Tony:Who would have suspected a $15 tux was dry clean only. Jessie:Everyone! On the bright side,at least your outfit matches the teacup! Now get in,we need to start the scene! Ravi,is the water effect ready? Luke:Why does Ravi get to do it? Dousing people with water is my specialty! Ravi:And yet,the concept of bathing eludes you. Jessie:Guys,knock it off! We need to get going! (Ravi holds camera straight) Jessie:Ready,and,action! Tony:I cannot believe we're trapped in this huge teacup! Zuri:(whispers)Down! Down! (Jessie and Tony kneel down at the same time) Jessie:Well,at least we're finally alone together,Toby. And nothing can ruin this perfect moment. (Ravi clicks,but nothing happens) Jessie:I said,nothing can ruin this perfect moment. (Ravi continues clicking) Jessie:Ravi! Ruin this perfect moment! Ravi:It should be working! Jessie:Never mind. Let's just skip to the kissing scene,we're running out of time! Oh,Toby- Tony:Uh,Jessie- Jessie:It's Chantal! Tony:No,I'm talking to you,Jessie. I just don't feel comfortable kissing you, now that we're broken up. Jessie:It's called "Acting"! I know it's awkward,but this movie is really important to me! Tony:I understand,but I just can't! Jessie:Just think back to how in love we were at this incredibly sweet,romantic moment. Now kiss me,you greasy haired mook! (about to kiss Tony hard) (Tony falls down,pants rip) (Ravi and Luke cringe) Tony:I'm sorry,Jessie,you'll just have to finish your movie without me. It's just too weird! And now that I've split my pants,it's a little too drafty.(holds pants and walks away) Jessie:Wait,Tony,come back! This is the most important scene in the movie! Who am I going to kiss? Luke:(gasps,throws gear)Me! Me! I'll do it! (crash,glass shatters) Luke:Oh,now I see why they call it a "Boom".(chuckles) Jessie:Cut! Just cut! Can't anything go right? (water falls on Jessie like the teacup) Ravi:Well,the water effect is working! (Jessie angry) (scene ends,advertisement break for TV viewers) (scene resumes in the living room) Luke:Jessie,we know you're upset,but you can't just sit around and drown your sorrows in fro-yo. Jessie:Why not? It's the only thing I've done today without messing it up. Zuri:Jessie,that's not true! Jessie:Thank you,Zuri. Zuri:I was talking about the fro-yo. You've got it all over you. Jessie:(looks at dress) Oh,man! This was a designer dress! Emma:This is getting sadder and sadder! Jessie:OK,guys,I don't know if you've noticed,but my acting career hasn't exactly gone the way I thought it would. Emma:No. Luke:You're kidding. Ravi:I've not noticed. Zuri:Your last job was as a hot dog. Love you! Jessie:(stands up)Hey,look,I know I've been really stressed out lately,and I'm sorry if I've been a little too harsh on you. All I ever wanted was to do something creative with my life,and I just...(stammers)I'm afraid that this movie is my last chance. Emma:Jessie,you're an amazingly talented person! Zuri:Yeah,we know you'll make it if you just keep trying. Ravi:You must continue the pursuit of your cinematic aspirations! Luke:He took the words right out of my mouth! And made them big and confusing! Jessie:Thank you,guys. I really appreciate it,but there's only an hour until the deadline. Even if I could manage to piece together a film from what we shot,I still don't have an ending! Ravi:I know! I have got the perfect way to end your movie! (story begins in a palace) Jessie:Prince Toby,I don't care of that evil mystic did turn you into a lizard. I will always love you. (Mrs.Kipling growls) Jessie:Sweetie,you got a little rat blood.(wipes off blood) Ravi:Princess,I am so touched by your love,I shall undo the spell I cast upon him. (Jessie gasps and holds chest,Mrs.Kipling growls) Ravi:But first,we dance! Jessie:Wait,why? Ravi:Because it is the end of the Bollywood movie,it is what we do! Jessie:When in Ranchipur! (main cast dressed as Indians dancing to Indian music) (dance ends when the cast put their hands up and look up) (story ends) Jessie:OK,hold it,Dancing With Lizards. Flying to India is way out of my budget. Emma:Along with waterproof mascara. Zuri:There's gotta be something you can do! Jessie:Thanks,guys,but this whole thing was a disaster. And not only did I waste all of your time,but I may have ruined my friendship with Tony. Ravi:Not to mention creating a big pile of cinematic swell. (Jessie looks at Ravi) Ravi:Oh,sorry. Were we not compiling a complete list? (Jessie walks away) Luke:Are you licking your dress? Jessie:Don't judge me!(continues walking to the kitchen) (scene changes to screening room) (Bertram laughing after watching a film) Jessie:What's so funny? Bertram:Everything you shot! Check it out! (continues laughing) (water sprays on Jessie repeatedly) Jessie:I'm so happy my misery brings you joy. Bertram:Your misery is even better in (deep voice)slo-mo!(continues laughing) (water sprays on Jessie in slow motion) Jessie:Wow. You can actually see the exact moment my soul gets crushed. (Bertram chuckles) Jessie:Wait a minute,that shouldn't be on film! Bertram:That's what I thought when I read your script. Jessie:No,I meant I told Ravi to cut before that happened. Bertram:Well,judging by the fact that there is 8 hours of footage,I don't think Ravi ever stopped the camera! It's funny sped up,too! (Jessie falls down sped up repeatedly) (Tony runs away while holding ripped pants) Bertram:You know,all the stuff that wasn't in your script is actually kind of entertaining! Jessie:Wait a second. Bertram,that gives me a great idea! Bertram:You're going to quit showbiz and move back to Texas? I may have already packed your bags.(continues eating popcorn) Jessie:No,I meant I know how I'm going to finish my movie! Bertram:Mmm. (Jessie walks away with camera) (Jessie dumps popcorn on Bertram) Jessie:That's for the comments on my script. (Bertram drinks water) (Jessie pours water on Bertram) Jessie:That was just for fun. (Jessie walks away) (scene changes to kitchen) (Jessie typing) Bertram:So,how's it going? Jessie:I'm exhausted,but I'm (finishes typing) done! I just have to hit Send within 5 seconds. 5,4,3-(misses button,sleeps) Bertram:Aaaaand,sent(moves finger to Send). I want a producer credit for that.(points) (scene changes to screening room,time changes to day) (TV starts) Jessie:Sometimes,the path to love can be paved with a lot of bumps and bruises. (Jessie accidently hits Luke's microphone) Jessie:And maybe things don't turn out exactly how you planned. (Jessie about to vomit) (Bertram gets a bucket,Jessie vomits) Jessie:But sometimes you find love in placed that you least expect it. (Zuri and Emma help Jessie from injuries) (Zuri and Emma drying Jessie from water) Jessie:So even though I set out to shoot a movie about romance, (Luke throws football to Zuri while Jessie holds her,Zuri catches,Jessie,Luke,Emma,and Bertram applaud and cheer) (All eat in a picnic and laugh) Jessie:finding this family is the greatest love story I could ever tell. (the end sign appears) (all applaud) (TV ends) Zuri:We love you too,Jessie. (Jessie chuckles and hugs Zuri) Ravi:I do not know what was more beautiful,your poetic narration,or the way I framed that final shot! Luke:I can't believe you finished that whole thing in just 24 hours! Emma:Yeah,we never thought you could pull it off. Jessie:But you guys seemed so supportive! Luke:You know how when I have a math test,and you say I can ace it,but we both know you're lying? Jessie:Yeah. Luke:It was like that.(nods) (Bertram sobs) Emma:Wow,it even made Bertram cry! Bertram:It's not the movie,I just wasted 20 bucks on an "At Least You Tried" card! (card shows clown sobbing) Jessie:(pats Bertram's shoulder)Thanks,Bertram. Don't worry,we won't let it go to waste. Ravi has his P.E. final coming up. (Ravi nods and smiles) (scene changes to condo lobby) Jessie:Oh,hey,Tony. Tony:Hey.(hands Jessie mail)Here. Jessie:Oh,thanks.(pushes elevator button) (Tony moves eyebrows) Jessie:Good catching up. Tony:Jessie,I'm really sorry about quitting your movie,and for letting you down. It was just awkward playing romantic scenes with my ex,you know? Jessie:It's OK. It was weird for me,too. And if it makes you feel better, I was pretending you were James Franco the whole time. Tony:You mean during the filming,or while we were dating? Jessie:Let's not re-hash the past. Oh,Tony,this is from The Quick Flicks Festival! (reads letter)My film got accepted! Tony:Congratulations! (credits display) (Jessie laughs and hugs Tony) Jessie:Oh,that's...(stops hugging) Tony:So,when do we start filming the sequel? Jessie:Well,I thought it was awkward for you playing my boyfriend. Tony:Awkward-schmawkward,this thing's a hit! Jessie:OK,you can be in it if you can tell me just one of your lines. (Tony moves slowly) Jessie:Thought so.(walks to the elevator) Tony:Aw,man!(gasps) Jessie:That doesn't count. (Tony looks at Jessie weirdly) END Written by Danielklee92 Category:Transcript Category:Transcripts Category:Season 3 Category:Season 3 Transcripts